Wide Awake and Dreaming

The title hero of the show, Buffy is a kick-ass crusader, a champion for good and a destroyer of evil. And she still has time for a good pun. For Buffy, it is often all about her calling. Friends, family, anyone who doesn't understand that she is "The Slayer," is often left behind, as she is constantly moving on to the next hunt, the next kill, the next soon-to-be-averted apocalypse.

While Buffy has been shown several times rejecting her calling, she is actually extremely dedicated. She ran away from Sunnydale after killing Angel, but she did kill him, even though she loved him deeply. Her running away was as much influenced by the fight she had with her mother, as the trauma of sending Angel to hell. She felt as if she had lost everything and had nowhere left to be. She didn't know how to reconcile being both the slayer and herself. She tried to not be the slayer, and to not be Buffy, taking on the name "Anne" and leaving her life behind. As from the beginning, Buffy was trying to live a "normal life," whatever that may be. This need, the determination to not give up her identity, even while she was doing just that, is one of her strengths.

She has learned - as she told Angel in the battle before she killed him - that without her weapons, her friends, or her family, she is still herself: the sum of her experiences and her calling. She is neither Buffy nor the slayer; she is both. Despite her pain, and her wish to leave her calling (a crisis of faith), she helped Lily, when asked, and overturned a hell dimension. She was able to do it because she finally realized who she was. She re-found her sense of identity and reclaimed it. "I'm Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. And you are...?"

It took her a while to integrate these changes, and in some ways it is a constant battle she fights. Who is she? Who is Buffy? What does it mean to be the slayer?

In season 3, after facing Willow, her mother, and her friends, she becomes empowered, leading the charge to defeat the mayor and graduate from high school. At the same time, she has to deal with a new slayer, who approaches slaying in a much different way. If she is "the slayer," but so is Faith, then what is she really? Perhaps, this is why she is so quick to peg Faith as "evil," or "wrong." If this is the case, then she doesn't have to re-examine her own beliefs and actions in this framework.

In season four, Buffy is once again redefining her identity, as a college freshman. She doesn't know the rules, can't find her place. In some ways, she never thought she would have a future, and now suddenly, she has to plan for it and prepare for life beyond the hellmouth. Her friends are also growing up, Angel has left, and she has moved away from home. She is on an all-new playing field, and she doesn't know the rules. The lines between enemy and ally are blurred with Spike becoming chipped and the initiative creating Adam and trying to kill her. She begins to explore her sexuality and tops it all by meeting the first slayer, who questions her very way of life.

In season five, she begins to realize that going with the flow and fighting the good fight aren't enough. She needs to know who the slayer is and what she means to Buffy. She resumes studying and training with Giles, something she hasn't done since graduation. A mystical key is placed in her care, in the form of a sister, and her mother becomes fatally ill. Both of these things rock her world on its foundations, but none so much as her next meeting with the first slayer, when she is told that her gift, to the world, to those around her, is death.

This is hard for her to accept, because - despite the fact that she has already died, and that she fights vampire and demons every night - Buffy has never faced mortality. Now, her mother has died suddenly, and despite her illness, unexpectedly. A Hell goddess wants to use Dawn to open the barriers between the Earth and the Hell dimension from whence she came, thus ending life as we know it. In addition to this, it is revealed that her gift as the Slayer is death. Ultimately, Buffy must face her mortality: she fights Glory, saves her sister - and the whole world - by sacrificing herself in Dawn's place, embracing her gift and her destiny.

Then, just when she thought she had it all figured out, her friends resurrect her from the dead. Season 6 centers around her struggle to find a purpose now that she has served hers. This new Buffy is almost one without a destiny. They need a warrior, a slayer, but do they need her? Why was she back? Who is she now? Is she even human? These are not questions that Buffy wants to face. Her life as she knew it doesn't exist any more; all of her stabilizing influences - her mom, Giles, her friends - are no longer available to her. She is alive, but still feels dead inside because she has lost her identity.

One of the fundamental differences in Buffy's character in season six is a change in this desire for order and family. Buffy's foremost desire is to distance herself from . . . well, herself, and she does this by avoiding all of the things she used to rely on. She avoids her family, she avoids her friends, and she avoids her previous moral code. She does everything possible to avoid the life she left behind, because every reminder of that life serves to reinforce the fact that she is now a different person. She pursues a relationship with Spike mainly because she can do so on her own terms, but also because he caters to her belief that she is "wrong". While that is one of her greatest fears, it is one she feels the need to acknowledge, rather than trying blindly to resume her former life - as it seems her friends would have her do.

Once Buffy deals with her issues and rediscovers her identity, she returns immediately to her need for balance and order and family. She demonstrates that in this and many other things, Buffy is very determined. She is not easily swayed from what she believes is right . . ..

She will often assess a situation, decide on a course of action and execute it quickly, without considering other opinions or consequences. While this is good, in the heat of battle, it does not always serve her well. An example of this behavior can be seen in "Fear, Itself."

Giles flipping pages: "I have it, I have it. Uhm, 'The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the mark of Gachnar (Buffy walks over to the mark and puts her fist through it, ripping up the floorboards. Gets up and looks over at Giles with a proud smile) - Is *not* one of them and will in fact immediately bring forth the fear demon itself."

This is also a large part of the conflict with the potentials and her friends in Season 7. She has decided that the best course of action is to return to the vineyard, but everyone else believes that the cost is too high. It becomes irrelevant that she has made the correct assessment of the situation, in this case.

This passionate approach to life, while often a cause of conflict, is also what endears he friends and followers to her. She will appeal to them with reason or emotion when she needs support and is very persuasive. She is often puzzled or shocked when they are unconvinced or openly disagree with her.

She is very obstinate in her point of view, maintaining it even when others point out flaws in her reasoning. Because of her firm need for strict moral guidelines, and because she feels that she knows what is best and that she is the most qualified to make a decision - whether she is or not - she often takes these disagreements personally. This is another cause for the conflict in season 7.

The constant in these interactions, and the driving force in much of Buffy's life, is her need for stability, a grounding force. Buffy does not deal well with change, especially in her personal life. She can think on her feet and go with the flow in battle, but will fight back hard at anything that changes the "rules" that she lives by. She feels that she shouldn't have to give up everything in order to be the Slayer. She believes that she is entitled to at least a little bit of stability and support, especially in her otherwise chaotic world.

Despite this need, she is willing to give everything for the cause and is courageous and resolute in living up to her potential. She does believe, however, that she should still be able to live her life with certain rewards: family and friends. After all, slayers aren't known for their extended life span. Buffy makes up for this by having close, intense relationships with those she cares about. It also helps to vent some of the pressure, and help her to remember what she is fighting for in the first place.

She expects support and excellence from those around her, and while she may occasionally lose sight of them, due to her own preoccupation, she is a loyal and supportive friend. She will often call upon her friends to perform certain tasks, or perform as part of a unit. She has an unwavering conviction that they can accomplish what she asks of them. Her confidence is often rewarded because she, like any good leader, is skilled at recognizing the strengths and skills of those around her. However, in personal situations, she doesn't do as well.

Her interpersonal relationships remain one of her greatest weaknesses, and one of the greatest conflicts in them is change. The introduction of Faith, Giles moving to England, Willow coming out to her, were all more stressful to her than the monster of the week trying to disembowel her. Her unwillingness to recognize and/or accept change is also the main problem in her relationship with Dawn. Dawn is growing up, and is older now than when Buffy began the series, but Buffy still treats her like a child.

This need for stability may be the result of being raised as an only child, coming from a broken home, or having her life turned upside down by her calling. Whatever the cause, she is at her weakest and most vulnerable when she has lost control of the situation. She will do anything to regain it, even lash out at her friends, or run away (The Yoko Factor, Becoming pt 2).

However, she can recognize when she is wrong and make amends, but she is not quick to forgive. Time and distance are necessary. In the Yoko factor, she tells Angel, after he comes to Sunnydale, "Look . . . You weren't entirely wrong, what you said in L.A. (she meets his eyes) We don't live in each other's worlds anymore. I had no right to barge in on yours and make judgments." She tells Spike, in As You Were, "I can't love you. I'm just ... being weak, and selfish... and it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry ... William." She eventually makes peace with Faith in Season 7, after fighting at her side again, but it took three years for her to do so.

Buffy is strong, independent, and dedicated to her calling. Sometimes it is easy to forget that she is still a young woman struggling to find her place in the world. After all, "The hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it."